i've had a few, but then again, too few to mention

It sounds like you think being trans is a binary state, like people who don't know better think about being a man or a woman— either you're a man or you're a woman, and a slightly more advanced viewpoint is then "and also, either you're trans or you're not." But neither of these perspectives is deep enough to encompass the real world, which holds trans people who don't feel male or female, intersex people who don't feel trans, trans people who live as men/women full-time but don't transition, trans people who live as women/men part time, trans people who decide that their transness is just always going to be a private part of them, trans people who would never identify as trans, and trans people who move around among these and many other states of transness.

This is just a hell of a lot more complicated than "being born in a wrong sexed body." There are like a million ways to be trans, to feel trans, and I'm sure as hell not passing any judgment on someone who has identified as trans for awhile but doesn't anymore. Every single day I question whether this path is still right for me, and so far the answer has always been yes— some days a resounding yes, and some days a tentative yes, and some days a tearful yes, especially when my fear is telling me that I will never be able to date as a gay man. Some people never question and some people never stop questioning, and I'm the latter. I'm open to the idea that one day the answer may be no, even though I can't forsee that happening. But I have to take every day at a time.

I never say this kind of thing to non-trans people who aren't my therapists. Because frankly I don't need to hear any shit like "If you're not totally sure, you're not trans." Non-trans people do not need to be gatekeepers deciding who is and isn't trans, especially ones with no relevant training or experience. In order to get people to take us seriously in the gender that we identify as, we have to hit you guys over the head with it, we have to beat it into your skulls, we have to come down on every pronoun mistake, or you treat us like dilettantes anyway— "she— oh, I mean he, sorry man, dude, I didn't know you were standing there bro! you're just so pretty that I forget sometimes (isn't she cute)." Fucking hell. I get enough of that shit, it's no wonder I never, ever want to let someone non-trans know that this is more complcated than "I'm really a MAN inside and I have a phantom dick and I've known I was a boy ever since I was three days old." If it's not totally clear-cut to YOU people, I don't trust you to get it, to treat me like I want to be treated, so I can't ever let anyone see that it's less than absolutely clear-cut to me.

So, yeah, what I need from you is for you to accept that it's simple and absolute on the outside— if someone says they are trans, they are trans. If she says she's a woman, she's a woman; if he says he's a man, he's a man. If ze says ze's an androgyne, ze's an androgyne, and you'll have to find out what that means for zir. BUT ALSO, I want you to accept that from the inside it's REALLY complicated, and that each person has their own way of dealing with all that complexity that is just how they need to deal with it. Sometimes that involves transitioning, and sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes it may mean their gender changes hourly. And all that is really okay— it's part of life's amazing variation.

When it's NOT okay is when it causes people pain and suffering— like when a butch who fantasizes about having a dick is so frequently told that she's FTM that she decides to start transitioning because her girlfriend expects it, and then realizes that she hates the changes in her body and doesn't want to lose her connection to the queer community, but now that she's seen as a regretter and people think she's neurotic at best or a traitor at worst, she's lost that community anyway. And that means, to me, that we need to support people in their questioning process and not do things that create pressure around transitioning— either pressure to transition or pressure not to. It is not the business of anyone but a well-trained therapist to help people make that decision, and the well-trained therapists ARE well-trained because they know how little "help" they should be giving.

Do I think some people make bad decisions and transition for unhealthy reasons? Oh, hell yeah. But saying they're not really trans, or thinking less of them for not being self-aware, would be pretty arrogant. I make lots of bad decisions and do things for unhealthy reasons, and so does everyone else. But not every person who identifies as trans for awhile and then changes is being unaware or making a bad decision, and it's not within my ability or my responsibility to tell the difference.

"However, in the last 2 or 3 years or so, I have watch many people transition to the point of it being the trendy cool thing to do. I feel when any change it becomes such a large part of a population of people.
That there is something else going on.I was wondering if anyone else has noticed this happing?"

I wonder if you are saying that because many people are transitioning, it is becoming "trendy," or that many people are transitioning because it is becoming "trendy."

A "trend" means something that occurs increasingly over time. For example, "there is a downward trend in the economy, correlated with our involvement in the Iraq war." There is an upward trend in the number of people transitioning— I think I agree, without having seen any evidence to this effect. (Do you mean medically transitioning, or socially transitioning, or both? I'll assume both for now.) There's a difference in saying something is a "trend" and saying that something is "trendy, cool." For the latter to be true, I think there needs to be some evidence that people perceive themselves to be gaining prestige in certain circles from transitioning. While I think some few people might experience this, for many, the "rewards" of being trans are scant and are greatly mixed with the drawbacks. For instance, I saw people tell my trans friends how "brave" they were for transitioning, but I also saw that they had a hell of a time getting dates, and that even in the praise they received there was an unattractive kind of condescension.

I think that many people who are deciding whether to transition or not have those mixed feelings you describe, Ms. I know that I certainly did, myself. I often worried if I was just being "trendy." But I think I recognized in myself an awareness that the rewards of being trendy were not worth it. I don't think I'm particularly special in that regard— you also recognize that the rewards of being "trendy" are not stable enough to support transitioning in and of themselves. Probably a lot of people recognize this. What we then have to figure out is whether there are other reasons to transition, for each of us individually, which are more stable than the rewards of being trendy. I think this is a fairly common experience, and when I worry about friends who are transitioning is when I don't see them engaging in this process.

Does that make sense?

Thats exactly the article I saw.

I agree. parenthood should involve higher math, a minimum financial investment, and should only be the result of 6 sessions of intercourse lasting at least one hour.

I call this my "Super Amazon Prostitute" theory.

Why don't people ask? Simple. Children are seen as a cheap resource and are not valued in society except as property.

And, while I assume everyone is smart enough to realize this, I have not, implicitly or explicitly, stated that I consider any of these examples analogous to the decision to change gender.

i hear what you're saying. salient points.

ok, some truth from where i sit: i admittedly get very concerned when teenagers & even early 20-somethings choose to change gender. my mind basically reels at the thought of irrevocably changing one's body before they've even fully grown into it. heaven knows i didn't know sh*t about anything in my 20's & now in my 30's i finally REALIZE i don't know sh*t.

and what about therapy? you know, is anyone taking the time to investigate & be sure about their decisions? i also experience trepidation about whether or not this is "trendy" and people are jumping on a trans-banwagon b/c all their friends prostelytizing some religion of trans. i worry that there's a lot of "down with butch" rhetoric out there, that it's not ok to be a butch dyke anymore (hello, my butch dating pool is dwindling!), that it's not ok to be a woman or a lesbian. but these are MY issues, you know?

all that said, regardless of how any one of us feels, don't you think that it's still that one person's choice to fully realize himself? i mean, i certainly don't know what it's like to be trans, any more than i know what it's like to be butch, you know? i have zero idea what it feels like to know that my dna screwed me over & trapped me in a body that wasn't meant for me & who i am. who am i to judge?

so... now what?